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Barefoot and Free: The Sweetness of Suffering Long
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Wednesday, March 26, 2014. The Sweetness of Suffering Long. What an odd time to be pouring out my thoughts, or maybe not. Seems like it’s in the worst of times that the Lord allows my fingers to work through these tormenting, emotional knots. I’ve felt myself nearly checking out at times, and have blamed it on being short of sleep. But the last 24 hours I’ve had a word forcing itself to the forefront of my mind. Long-suffering is a fruit of the Spirit. My take on it is this:. I fret because things aren&#...
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Barefoot and Free: August 2013
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Thursday, August 29, 2013. I finally stopped taking them. It’s been over three years since my doctor agreed to treat me for depression. It was humbling to have to go back to pills after being free of them for so long. But they helped pull me out of a very dark place when Andrew was so sick. I was thankful for the relief. A few weeks ago I asked if I couldn’t try to get off the pills.The cost to keep me on Tommy’s family insurance at the school was more than we could afford each month. My doctor warned me...
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Barefoot and Free: February 2013
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Sunday, February 17, 2013. To Do Or Not To Do. And so breeds resentment and frustration, which are nice words for passive anger that stews and simmers unbeknownst by me. The poisonous mixture seeps into my thoughts, leaving behind the stench of discontented complaining… like a virus really, contaminating the good and obscuring the sweetness that I know still lives beneath monotonous days. I thought , ‘I can’t finish this life! Monday, February 4, 2013. Ready or Not, Here I Come! Sunday, February 3, 2013.
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Barefoot and Free: April 2013
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Sunday, April 14, 2013. The Good Life Lie. The phrase “the good life,” whatever that unattainable concept meant, rolled around in my head a few minutes ago, mocking me for my faith in God. Where is this “good life,” Lord? This life isn’t. Good The circumstances around me and the world are not good. Father God, for the families of our Kaufman County DA, his wife, and his assistant, gunned down just weeks ago…they are left with fear, anger, and unimaginable, heart- rending grief. It sears clear t...For my ...
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Barefoot and Free: February 2014
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Wednesday, February 12, 2014. Call a Tow Truck Please. This morning I feel bound by the effects of fear in a way that mimics my dad’s own physical paralysis. I need to be able to go back to school to be licensed, but so much trauma from my childhood abuse breakdown is entangled like a knotted mess in and. Around my past nursing career. Now I can’t separate the two well enough to get an objective outlook of what I’m capable of. This morning my brain is being hammered. With a pounding, barrage of what if&#...
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Barefoot and Free: April 2014
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Wednesday, April 9, 2014. A Time to Cry. I brought him home again, yesterday, minus about 17 pounds. So much has happened and there has been little time to process it. It’s not the kind of crying I want to do with people in and out of the room all day. So I stuffed it. I stuffed, crammed down, and glossed over all the horror of the last few weeks. And today I feel the effects of compacted trauma oozing out in sporadic tears, short tempers, and absolute fatigue. In fact I swear my brain is in a fog. Beggi...
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Barefoot and Free: Battle Scarred Faith
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Sunday, March 23, 2014. This last week, Tommy and I’ve watch Luke struggle through horrible abdominal pain, nausea, and a 3 hour ER wait while vomiting in a trash can as strangers looked on. He chugged down contrast dye, vomiting multiple times before being wheeled off without us to get a CT scan. He was then whisked off to surgery with a hope of being pain free and leaving in the morning. Instead, he. Appendix reported to be 10-15 times normal size. Lord I thought, are you for real here? 8221; the thoug...
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Barefoot and Free: September 2013
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Thursday, September 19, 2013. Duct Taped and Holding. Last night I was bent over dad’s legs trying to fasten a wide elastic strap. It was a feeble attempt to keep his paralyzed leg from flopping sideways. Normally once mom gets him in his electric chair, she sticks this homemade paddle type device in a bracket that keeps his leg in place. After a long series of unrelated chaos the last week, though, mom was exhausted. He didn’t care about the packing, surgery, or mom’s need to sleep. I grabbed a dowel ro...
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Barefoot and Free: March 2013
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Monday, March 25, 2013. Monday morning monotony taunted me from the kitchen counters littered with dishes. Where did they come from? I cleaned late last night and still they multiplied while I slept as if mocking my efforts to bring order to our home. Laundry piles were permanently scattered along the length of my bathroom floor, becoming the last pit stop, a loading dock of sorts, prior to entry into the waiting machines. Following close behind. We put on dust masks at her insistence, and carried a ...
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Barefoot and Free: November 2013
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Monday, November 4, 2013. Hormones Are Just Not Cool. I decided to join the Upper Room fast this week, ‘cause fasting seems to help me deal with difficult situations. Last time I fasted, it was right after stopping my antidepressants. It was a very beautiful time of total dependence on God. My rational, medically oriented mind said denying my body of food after stopping meds I’d been on for over three years was just plain stupid. And I’m just not sure how easily I’m going to let go. Yesterday I was so sl...